You don’t choose your fantasies

Do you feel attracted to children, and are you afraid that you might go on to abuse a child? Do your fantasies make you unhappy? Do you sometimes want to masturbate while looking at images of children? Before committing an irreversible act or imprisoning yourself with feelings of shame, take the time to read this page.

No shame, no taboo

You are not responsible for your fantasies, but you are responsible for all of your choices and for all of your actions.
In many countries, there are professionals and associations that can help. Find help »

I want to have sex with a child

Do not be fooled by your own desires: no child ever wants sexual relations with a grown-up – not one, not ever. A child might tell you that they want to have sexual relations, or they might be afraid to say no because they want to please you. They might appear to seek sexual contact with you because they have experienced something that disturbed or troubled them. Your obligation as an adult or a teenager is to respond that sexual or romantic relationships with children are forbidden because they damage children.

I feel the urge to masturbate while looking at images of children

The exploitation of a child using their image is unacceptable. Do not be fooled by the forced smile of a child who has been manipulated by adults. Masturbating to these images makes you an accomplice to the sexual exploitation of their image. There is a very real risk of addiction and isolation.

I wish I were not attracted to children anymore

Even if it feels right now that you can’t imagine a life without being attracted to children, you should be aware that many people have managed to overcome or control their urges with specialist help. This attraction does not have to define your whole life. The important thing is not to isolate yourself with your urges or trap yourself into a troubling fantasy, or to believe that you are condemned to a life sentence without fulfilling sexuality.

On Pedophilia

What is pedophilia and who is a pedophile?

Pedophiles can be adolescents or adults of any gender who feel sexually attracted to prepubescent children (i.e. those who have not yet reached puberty) or children who have only just begun pubertal development. This is generally defined as involving children under the age of 13, according to diagnostic criteria.
Some pedophiles are attracted only to girls, others only to boys. Some are attracted to both, and some are equally attracted to children and teenagers or adults.
Pedophilia exists worldwide and across all social, cultural, and economic backgrounds. Just because nobody talks about it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist!
No one chooses to experience this attraction, and the majority of pedophiles will never abuse a child.
No one is responsible for the unwanted thoughts that appear in their mind, but everyone is responsible for their actions. Any behaviour that crosses intimate or sexual boundaries with a child is strictly prohibited. This includes expressing romantic intent, making suggestive comments, showing inappropriate material, exposing oneself, or involving a child in any form of adult sexual behaviour.

Why is pedophilia so frightening?

Pedophilia is often wrongly defined as the act of sexually abusing children. In fact, pedophilia is not an act but a sexual attraction.
People with this attraction are not inherently dangerous or morally defective. They are often people in pain who need help to cope with their thoughts or to live with their fantasies without actually assaulting a child.

Why does someone become a pedophile?

There is a wide variety of reasons, and it depends on the personal history of each individual. Some pedophiles have experienced violence in their childhood, which may or may not have been of a sexual nature. Others were profoundly disturbed during the time that they were exploring their own sexuality, and others might have grown up in families where boundaries around intimacy were unclear or poorly defined.

Once a pedophile, always a pedophile?

Experiencing this attraction can be deeply distressing, but it is not a life sentence. Some people no longer feel attracted to children after receiving therapy or support from a specialist. Others learn to live with such fantasies without feeling that these fantasies are encroaching upon their day-to-day life.

Is it true that an adult can feel romantic feelings toward a child?

A teenager or adult may experience feelings of love for a child but this should never lead to a sexual relationship, because it is impossible to share love and sexual desire with children. This is because children are not yet mature enough to understand this kind of thing, and a sexual relationship is always damaging to a child even when there is tenderness, love and gentleness. When a pubescent person experiences sexual desire towards a much younger prepubescent person, they should always distance themselves and seek help, because it is a sign of a problem.

Does society contribute to harmful attitudes when it sexualises children?

Our society should neither eroticize children (child beauty pageants, adult-style clothing, or heavy makeup on young children…) nor infantilize adults (prepubescent body shapes, absence of body hair as a standard …)
Our society prevents children from being children and adults from being adults when it erases the differences between the generations, and this causes serious confusion that can sometimes lead to the sexual assault of a child.
A little girl dressed as a sexy woman (in tight clothing, miniskirts, short shorts, bikini …) can make us feel deeply uneasy; but if it arouses sexual excitement then you should take notice of this, and you should be aware that she is only playing at pretending to be an adult and that she is still a child. Her clothing or behavior is never an invitation or an expression of sexual intent.

Is there a risk to look at photos or videos of naked children?

Using sexualised images involving minors trains the brain to associate arousal with inappropriate material and can quickly escalate into a compulsive pattern. Over time, you will need to see more and more of these images to get yourself excited, and before long you will feel the need to see images of naked children in explicit poses or being sexually assaulted.
Seeing child sexual abuse material (CSAM) (child pornography, pedosexual content, infantile pornography …) makes you an accomplice to the attacks these children are being subjected to when making such images or movies. When you view these image – even when you don’t pay for them and when you don’t share them – you are involved in an economic system that encourages the production of these images, and therefore aggressive acts towards more children.
It is illegal to produce, distribute or watch images of child pornography in almost all countries, and the punishments for doing so are severe!
There are very many risks associated with this: arrest by the police, addiction to such images, incitement to reproducing these assaults on children within your immediate circle …
If you feel entrapped by these images then you should quickly seek the help of a specialist to help you wean yourself off them. You should always see children in these images for what they are: exploited victims experiencing something that is traumatic and painful, even if it is not immediately obvious. Do not be fooled: apparent expressions of happiness are often forced or manipulated, they are merely a facade to hide their discomfort. Do not misread the reactions of a child’s body to sexual stimulation. It is simply not the case that a child is enjoying it just because their body reacts mechanically to stimulation.
Even if it seems insurmountable, you must find the strength and courage to stop watching these images.

Where to find help?

Do you feel attracted to children?
There is no shame in asking for help – on the contrary, it is a sign of bravery!
In many countries, there are institutions and associations that bring together specialists who are trained to help people who are experiencing unwanted attraction to children to better cope with their fantasies and to better control the impulses they might have. Find help »
If no specialised service exists in your country, whether you can consult a therapist safely depends on the local cultural, professional, and legal context. In some countries, trained clinicians can offer confidential help to people who are struggling with distressing thoughts or feelings. In other countries, this may not be possible. Each person must evaluate what is appropriate and safe in their own environment.
Some therapists may refer you to colleagues better suited to help, while others might close their doors without helping you, but don’t ever lose hope!

What should I do if I think someone I know is struggling with this attraction?

You can calmly talk to that person without judging them. Tell them what you saw and felt, and encourage them to go seek help from a competent specialist.
You may also mention the PedoHelp™ project, which offers guidance and information.

On child sexual abuse

What is sexual abuse?

Violence occurs when one person imposes sexual intentions or behaviour on another person, either because the other person has not given consent, or because they are unable to understand it (e.g., a child or young adolescent).
Children are unable to consent to sex because they do not yet know what it is, and they don’t have to know about it. They are too young and not developmentally ready to understand or engage with sexuality.
Putting a child into any situation that gives sexual meaning or context, even when this is done as part of a game, is to transform this child into an object of satisfaction for your own adult or adolescent desire, and that is unacceptable.

Who are the offenders?

Offenders can be men or women, teenagers or adults, and may or may not be attracted to children. Some perpetrators are pedophiles (attracted to children), but the majority are not.
We often imagine abusers to be sadistic, perverse, manipulative and calculating. While these people do exist, they are actually very rare. The vast majority of child sexual abusers are sweet and caring people who truly love children. Moreover, they often appear trustworthy to both children and parents
Most offenders who experience such attractions never sought help or spoke about their thoughts before acting.

Who are the victims?

Any child can become a victim of sexual abuse.
However, children with good psychosocial skills, those who understand what is and is not allowed, and who know the basic rules of personal boundaries, are better able to identify children, teenagers and adults who make them feel uncomfortable, and to dare to say no to them. These children, when confronted with a problematic situation, are also more apt to quickly ask an adult for help.
Lonely children who are left to themselves, and those who lack guidance in their relationships with others (weak psychosocial skills) or who have not understood the rules of intimacy (families with blurred or inappropriate boundaries) are more often victims of sexual violence than others.

What are the consequences of sexual abuse on a child?

Sexual assault often has serious consequences, whatever the age of the victim. The effects vary depending on the child, the nature of the abuse, its frequency, the relationship with the abuser and the therapeutic and legal support following the assault.
Aftereffects often occur, in various ways, at different times of life.
Beyond the possibility of physical or medical consequences, a child may suffer from multiple psychological consequences such as guilt and shame, fear, anxiety, anger, loss of self-confidence, depression, anxiety attacks, chronic pain, social isolation, distrust of all adolescents and/or adults, difficulties forming healthy intimate relationships, impaired memory or concentration, sleep disturbances, or eating disorders…
Assaults can also lead to destructive behavior: suicide attempts, self-mutilation, anorexia/bulimia, prostitution, delinquency, risk-taking behaviours, and addictions (to alcohol, drugs, or other substances)…
Sexual abuse can increase the risk of later difficulties, including inappropriate behaviours, though this is not inevitable.
Silence is not inevitable, and suffering is not inevitable either. It is possible to recover and rebuild your life with the help of a qualified specialist.

On child sex tourism

Which children are victims of sex tourism?

The victims of child prostitution are both girls and boys. They often come from disadvantaged social backgrounds. Sex tourism involving children is a growing phenomenon.
If you witness a case of sex tourism involving a minor in your country or abroad, report it immediately.

What are the risks?

Sex tourists come from all backgrounds. They can be married or single, male or female, rich or poor, young or old. Sex tourists who abuse children can be prosecuted in their country of origin if they have not been prosecuted in the country where the offense was committed. The risks are enormous: a prison sentence of several years and very heavy fines – even many years after the abuse. Convictions may result from the prostitution of minors and also from sexual assault, rape, sexual images of children, and other offenses or attempted offenses against the integrity of children.

Does sex tourism contribute to the economic development of a country?

Tourists who visit a country in order to use people for their sexual pleasure are only encouraging corruption in this country, and the exploitation and debasement of its population.

Is it a tradition to have sex with children in Asia?

In some countries, extreme poverty triggers parents into pushing their children into prostitution. Trafficking networks use children in vulnerable situations to enrich themselves, and other people take advantage of this misery to turn these children into sex slaves.
In some regions, harmful myths claim that contact with a minor can cure illness. Actually, the opposite is true: it is in fact sexual relations with children poses a high risk of transmitting infections, including HIV. Very often, minors who are exploited in these situations are not aware of the means of prevention and protection from sexually transmitted diseases.
Regardless of country, culture, tradition, or belief, a child is never seeking or consenting to sexual activity.

On children

What is an incestuous family environment?

An incestuous family environment is one in which normal boundaries between generations are blurred or broken. Roles, spaces, and privacy are not respected, and relationships become confused in ways that violate the child’s emotional and developmental needs.
In some situations, this environment may include illegal or harmful behaviours between family members. In all cases, when a child is involved, it is damaging and creates serious confusion about identity, autonomy, and personal boundaries. Children raised in such environments may struggle to understand the limits that protect themselves and others, and may later reproduce inappropriate behaviours without realising that others do not share the same expectations or experiences.

Can a child feel desire and sexual pleasure?

Children’s emerging sexuality is very different from that of adults, and it is essential that these two realities are never confused.
As they grow, children explore their bodies and develop curiosity about themselves. They may find comfort or reassurance in this exploration. A child should never be encouraged, pressured, directed, or monitored during such private behaviour, even with tenderness and sweetness.

Can a child express interest in sexual behaviour?

Children do not yet possess the psychological or physiological capacity to consciously and knowingly have a sexual experience. They may tell an older person that they feel curious or interested, or they might not dare say no because they want to make them happy, but this does not mean they truly understand or desire such experiences.
When a teenager or an adult suggests a sexual act to a child, the child does not know what it is, or whether it is good or bad for them. They are too young to know about it and they cannot say yes or no to something they know nothing about. They may be curious, but this never means that they are consenting. Everything has its time: a child will discover sex with someone their own age when they are older.

How should I react when a child behaves in a way that seems inappropriate toward someone older?

A child may have been troubled by something they have experienced or seen or heard, and they may approach an adolescent or an adult to ask them questions or act in ways that cross personal boundaries. This is never an expression of genuine intent or consent, it is simply the expression of a need to know or to check what is allowed and what is not allowed. The adolescent or adult must always set limits, must always remember what is forbidden, and must protect children from what will hurt them.

Can an adult’s sexuality influence or initiate a child?

The discovery of their own body and the body of others is a pleasant game only if it is shared between children of the same age who have the same level of maturity, and who agree to take part in the game. Adults must intervene if a child imposes this type of game on another child, or in the event of problematic sexual behaviours.
While it is important to try to answer children’s curiosity and questions about sexuality with – if necessary – the help of age-appropriate books, this should always be limited to their questions and capacity to understand. It is always inappropriate and harmful to involve a child in any behaviour with sexual meaning, whether through physical contact, requests, or exposure to explicit material. No sexual act with a child can be considered instructive.

What to do when a child sees a pornographic image?

Depending on their age and level of understanding, you can explain that pornography is very different from real relationships or intimacy. Just as in the movies, where actors pretend to harm others or display strong emotions, professional actors pretend to have pleasure in pornographic images. Their movements are abrupt, and their poses are designed purely for visual impact, not authenticity. Actors and actresses often consume drugs to be more effective, and often undergo plastic surgery to change their bodies. Sometimes their body hair is shaved, and make-up and lighting are used to erase pimples, scars or natural skin colors. Pornography shows sex, not a loving sexual relationship.

Does the beginning of menstruation mean a girl is ready for intimate relationships?

Girls, like boys, need time after the onset of puberty before they are ready to have sex, because sexuality is both physical and psychological.
Forcing teenagers into marriage or intimate relationships simply because they are biologically capable of reproduction is abusive and harmful to their development and future life.

How to raise children’s awareness of the risk of sexual abuse?

Sex education, when adapted to children’s age and level of development, helps them to develop good psychosocial skills.
Children must be able to name the different parts of the body, including private areas such as the penis, vulva, and anus, using words that they are not afraid to say in front of adults. These terms are anatomical and appropriate, and they should never be considered dirty or shameful.
Children must learn to identify private and personal areas in order to respect those areas on their own bodies and on those of others.
Children must know that they can confide in adults, and that adults are available to listen to them.

Should we talk to children when someone close has been sexually abused?

It is the role of adults to protect children, but if for any reason children find themselves alone with someone who is likely to assault them, they need to be warned to protect themselves.
In other cases, you must answer the questions of your children bearing in mind what they want to know, and how old they are. A dark family secret is detrimental to the development of a child, but so is a premature revelation. Do not hesitate to seek the help of a therapist to guide and accompany you.

How do I spot a victim of child sexual abuse?

Children often do not have the knowledge, experience, or words to express what they have experienced or suffered, because sexuality is an unknown world to them. So they will express their suffering and unhappiness using their body.
Any sudden change in behaviour or appearance should prompt adults to question the cause of the change.
If in doubt, consult a professional who can ask the child questions without influencing their answers.
If you suspect that a child has been abused, you should report it immediately.

What is the best thing to do if a child has been abused?

First of all, remain calm.
Believe the children, help them to express themselves with their own words, without adding anything and without being overwhelmed by your concerns, your imagination and your knowledge of sexuality. Do not ask them to repeat themselves or tell you repeatedly what they experienced.
Take them promptly to the appropriate authorities or services (e.g., police or child protection) to be supported by trained professionals who will gather their testimony.
Allow trained professionals to conduct any questioning and investigation.
Be concerned about the welfare of the children and their protection without ever trying to bring about justice yourself.
If you have doubts, or if the children’s words are not clear, you could take them to consult a child therapist.
In any case, tell the children that they were right to talk to you, praise them for their courage and thank them for having trusted you.
You can call your country’s child helpline to file a report.

What if your child or teenager has behaved in a sexually harmful way toward another child?

If your children have abused another child, it may be that they themselves have experienced, seen or heard things that have disrupted their emotional or developmental wellbeing. Offer them the option to talk to a child therapist and accompany them if they agree to it.
It would also be wise to consult – either alone, accompanied by your partner or with the family – a therapist to think about how your family operates and to understand why your children have not learned what is fundamentally prohibited.

Therapists: When a patient reports a sexual attraction to minors

What is pedophilia?

Pedophilia is a paraphilia that is recognized in psychiatric diagnostic classifications. Most individuals with this attraction do not engage in illegal or harmful behaviour.
As a health care professional, you must first and foremost listen to your patient’s distress. This is probably why the patient has reached out to you; in addition, the patient trusts your skills and goodwill.
Pedophilia refers to a persistent sexual attraction toward prepubescent children.
Pedophilia is a clinical condition classified in the ICD and the DSM, the two major international diagnostic systems.
In ICD, pedophilia is listed among disorders of sexual preference and defined as “a sexual preference for children, boys or girls or both, usually of prepubertal or early pubertal age.”
In the DSM, pedophilic disorder is classified as a paraphilic disorder. It refers to recurrent and persistent sexual interest in prepubescent children, lasting at least six months, involving a child generally aged 13 or younger, and causing significant distress, impairment, or risk of harmful behaviour.
Pedophilic attraction is not a uniform condition. Clinical descriptions distinguish several patterns: it may be exclusive or non-exclusive, directed toward girls, boys, or both, and individuals may be abstinent or may present varying levels of risk. These variations describe clinical presentation only and do not reduce legal responsibility for harmful actions.
Lastly, individuals with this attraction may remain abstinent, or they may present differing levels of behavioural risk.

How does one become a pedophile?

There is extensive literature on individuals who commit offences involving minors, their histories and comorbid conditions; however, there is little data relating to the development of this attraction in people who have never acted on it. We have nevertheless observed that it is not relevant to systematically confuse both disorders.
Furthermore, the construct of any type of sexual preference remains “enigmatic” because of its complexity and the combination of various issues. Besides incontestable individual circumstances, we should not forget societal factors in the sexualisation of children (e.g., hypersexualised media portrayals).

Is my patient ‘dangerous’?

Are there any early warning signs prior to the act taking place?
From a psycho-pathological perspective, any danger is first a vulnerability. A patient who undergoes therapy has fewer risks of engaging in harmful behaviour. As health care professionals, we must first attend to this vulnerability. When the therapeutic connection is strong, it is not a taboo question to ask your patient about engaging in harmful behaviour. The patient may then understand that you are here to help, and that there is an alternative to an irreversible act.
Note: contrary to popular opinion, the use of child sexual abuse material (CSAM) is not necessarily the first step towards engaging in harmful behaviour against a minor. Studies on the influence of violent images in general do not lead to definite and unequivocal conclusions. In some cases, the consumption of such images may help manage distressing impulses, while in other instances, it will ease the crystallization of sexual fantasies. Furthermore, not all consumers of pedo-pornography are pedophiles…

Is there a cure for pedophilia? What is my role as a health care professional?

The first key element, regardless of your knowledge of the matter, is to be the recipient of your patient’s story and where relevant their pain and anguish, while making sure that your perceptions (sometimes negative ones) do not interfere with your listening skills and goodwill.
There are specific therapeutic strategies, and it is important to inform your patient about them: analytic or cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy, sexological approaches, drug therapy, etc. Depending on your resources and constraints, you can either recommend this patient to a therapist or specialized institution, or take on the patient yourself.
The therapeutic goal should not be a cure understood as changing the person’s sexual attraction, which would sound like responding to social pressure and would come up against our clinical limitations, but rather caring for the patient’s pain and its causes. Remember that in most cases, your patient will have the same social perceptions of pedophilia as you do!
There are various goals for therapeutic care: management of urges and emotions; care of anxieties and/or depression and weakening of self-esteem; treating addictive behaviours, whether substance-related or behavioural; personality disorders (impulsivity, lack of tolerance for frustration, inhibition, etc.), follow-up with disorders resulting from abuse or negligence (PTSD, etc.), addressing co-occurring sexual or relational difficulties. Meeting the patient will be crucial in order to assess their needs and offer adequate assistance.

Are there pharmacological treatments?

It is possible to pair follow-up or psychotherapy meetings and medication with the goal of reducing and controlling thoughts or behaviours associated with harmful or inappropriate sexual impulses. An assessment has to be made first, and the patient has to consent to such treatment.
Depending on the country, certain drugs are approved for this indication. A preliminary therapeutic assessment, as well as observation, are required throughout treatment.
Some studies refer to the prescription of serotonergic anti-depressants to relieve compulsive and anxious attitudes that are present among some pedophiles, but the sale of such drugs may not be authorised for these purposes.
Other psychotropic treatments may be used to improve some possible comorbidities.
To learn more about the use of pharmacological treatments, please visit the website of your national health agency.

When should I notify a legal authority?

Laws vary from country to country.
Health professionals may be subject to professional secrecy, depending on various criteria (profession, institution, mission …).
If you believe there is a legal obligation or risk that requires disclosure, you can contact the police and/or the judicial system of your country.

The French Federation of CRIAVS contributed to the development of these guidelines.

The Charter

Copy and sign this charter to make a commitment to never abuse any child:

I have sexual attractions that I have not chosen and for which I am not responsible.
I acknowledge my responsibility for my choices, my words and my actions.
I acknowledge that children are people in their own right, dependent on adults and in need of protection, care and consideration.
I acknowledge that children’s sexuality is not the same as adult’s sexuality.
I understand that children have not reached the physical and mental maturity that enables them to consent to a sexual experience.
I understand that sexual abuse has enduring traumatic, painful and disabling consequences on the life of a child, regardless of age.
Therefore, I pledge today and for the rest of my life to never abuse any child.
If I find myself one day with a child and feel desire for him/her, I promise to remove myself from this child or do everything in my power to ensure that he/she does not suffer as a result of my desire, in any way whatsoever.
I promise to never kiss or caress a child while feeling desire for him/her.
I promise to never deliberately expose a child to a situation that could disturb or sexually excite him/her.
I pledge to do everything in my power never to find myself in a situation where, under the influence of a substance or medical condition, my sex urges could negate this commitment.
I pledge to fulfill this commitment now and forever.